We're #3!

The Black Fly Scullers ecstatically announce that the Black Fly Regatta is officially ranked #3 on the list of things "every rower HAS to do!"

Yes indeedy! The fastidious, assiduous, and otherwise erudite staff of Rowing News magazine (aka the magazine of rowing) ranked the Black Fly Regatta #3 in its November 2008 feature article entitled "Eight Things Every Rower HAS to Do!" You don't believe me? Well get out there and buy one (or two or three) issues today.

So what are you waiting for? C'mon and join the largest swarm of scullers ever to start en masse north of the Tropic of Cancer for the Eighth Inaugural Black Fly Regatta on Saturday June 27, 2009.

6000 meters of the Second Law of Thermodynamics.
As long as we keep our powder dry, the shotgun blast marking the mass start of the regatta will occur at 9:01:52 a.m. EDST, more or less. Our deliriously happy volunteers will be on hand to greet you at 7 a.m.

And don't miss the pre-regatta press conference at 8 a.m. Bring your copy of Rowing News and I'll autograph it.
So what's this going to cost? Plenty. After all, how much would you expect to pay to be #3? $100? $200? More? I like the way you're thinking. But self-restraint is the hallmark of the Black Fly Scullers. And for the low, low, price of only $35.00 you, too, can become a member of the Black Fly Scullers for the entire year of 2009 which entitles you to come play with us on the Comerford Reservoir. Our factory-trained representatives are ready, able, and willing to process your registration. Just click on the "Register Now!" or "Join Us Today!" tabs and you are on your way.

Don't scull? Don't worry. We need your help. Click on the "Become a Volunteer" or Help Us!" tabs for more info.

And now the latest news from our correspondents in the field:

Black Fly Scullers Community Boathouse

Last year I reported that the real-life counterparts to Reg and Chet Campbell (see Fly 4 and Fly 5 Director's Notes) took pity on my soul and offered the Black Fly Scullers an unprecedented chance to buy land on the river. Well, guess what? The offer still stands! Many an hour last summer and fall was spent chewing the fat in the dairy barn and thrashing through the black raspberry brambles on the riverbank. And some of that time was actually spent on the boathouse project! We had lots of fun discussing the state of the world's economy, the latest episode of This Old House, and the local selectboard. And every once in a while we tied some surveyor tape on birch trees, talked to the excavator, pounded stakes in the ground, and discussed the market price for pristine riverfront real estate. I especially enjoyed stopping in the dairy barn every once in a while after my morning scull to draw yet another map of the site in the sawdust strewn on the barn floor. The fresh sawdust, that is.

And here's our artist's rendition :

Amidst all of this, the figure of $300,000 for 4.5 acres of land with 450' of river frontage was settled upon. About half of the land is undevelopable because it is either too steep or too wet. The excavator estimates that the road will cost another $100,000 but the farmers agreed to go 50-50 on that. We can use fill from the farm's gravel pit and the boathouse site itself for the road which will reduce the cost of materials. The Campells have logged off what the beavers haven't for the road and about 100' x 80' for the boathouse. My only regret so far is that I didn't get to drive the skidder. But I may get to play with a bulldozer this year! I'm gonna scull with a hardhat for practice.

Does the thought of knocking down trees concern you? Fear not! There's still lots of fiddleheads, trilia, marsh marigolds, equisitum, cattails, birch, maple, oak, and white pine to get lost amongst - and a fair number of black flies to get bitten by (present company excluded). So bring some bug dope and mud shoes and I will personally guide you through the flora and the fauna. Afterward, I will mercilessly shake you down for moolah. You see, I have scoured the local graveyards and failed to find the tombstone of any deceased billionaire industrialists who may have bequeathed their fortunes to establish a perpetual grant to fund a community sculling Boathouse on the Comerford Reservoir.

So I'm gonna rely on you -- or your stolen identity -- for money.
Unless you are the heiress to a billionaire industrialist. In which case you can expect a marriage proposal.

But perhaps you are not so romantically inclined. Well, just for you, and for a limited time, you can purchase a 20-year "Morde Me!" Debenture paying 25% interest. It's easy. All you have to do is wire transfer $100,000 to the Black Fly Scullers wholly owned LLC subsidiary, the Black Fly Scullers Off-Shore Boathouse Development Fund, N.A., Grand Cayman, Bahamas, through our encrypted UBS branch in Zurich, via our encrypted Banco Morocco branch in Algiers. This debenture is secured by mortgage-backed security credit-default swaps which themselves are secured by a letter of credit from our Argentinian Petroleum Hedge Fund, all of which is invested in preferred stock from the Peanut Corp. of America. We're talking rock solid! Everyone eats peanut butter. And if you can persuade four of your friends do the same, your rate of return will increase to 40%. Provided that each of those friends have four other friends who will do the same. And, uh, ahem, provided that each of those four other friends have four other friends who will do the same.

For a prospectus contact our accountants at Cooke & DeBuchs; SEC legal opinion provided by our law firm, Steele & Lye.
Stay tuned, I will have very exciting news about the boathouse to report to the swarm during the post-regatta awards ceremony.

Raffle Donations

If you're not a billionaire, or you heiresses out there are disinclined to accept my marriage proposal, bring some cash to buy a fistful of raffle tickets. And by "fistful" I mean a lot because the raffle tickets are really small. And besides you don't want to hold a puny string of tix when the beaming sculler next you is holding a string of tix longer than an Empacher! Only $1.00 each. And all proceeds will go toward the Black Fly Scullers Community Boathouse -- or my honeymoon with the heiress of a billionaire industrialist.

So, you ask, "What's in it for me?" Well, I'll tell you . . . the best sculling prizes extortion can secure. And you get to choose which prize you want from among the following fantastic prizes:

Concept2 has once again donated a pair of sculls made to order to your most exacting specs. A $500 value. (You have to pay shipping but I will gladly pick them up for you and hold on to them through the fall head race season -- trust me I won't use them.) This marks the fourth year in a row that Concept2 has donated a pair of sculls for the raffle. And no one has yet to notice that I swapped mine for theirs! Thank you!

Designer Gold of Hanover, New Hampshire is back for an encore! Thanks to Paul Gross (a true gentleman and a sculler) Designer Gold has donated a beautiful 14K (that's carats not kilometers) gold oar pendant and chain. Retail value of $450. I hope I win - I can use it as an engagement present for my billionaire heiress! But if you win you can give it to the sculling widow in your life.

Thanks again to Ed McNeely, StrengthPro has donated Lemonade Flavor SPE-3 Sports Energy Pre-Workout Boost and Lemonade Flavor SPR-3 Sports Power Recovery Nutritional Supplement. A $115 value. And a guaranteed 5% improvement in your AT!

And this year we are thrilled to announce that Peter Kermond and the folks at Burnham Boatworks have donated a Burnham Boat Cover! Racing shell not included.

And last but not least, you can win a year's subscription to Rowing News! That's right. This November you can read how the Black Fly Regatta is the ONLY thing every rower has to do! I hear there's gonna be a Sudoku puzzle in every issue this year.

So bring lots of money. And read up on our sponsors in our sponsors section of the website.

Sam'n Ella's Scullers' Breakfast

Even in these tough economic times, the good folks at Pete & Gerry's Eggs have offered to underwrite the Fourth Annual Scullers' Breakfast; but they need our help. This year we will have to harvest our own eggs. Each sculler will be assigned to one dozen of Pete and Gerry's happy-go-lucky free-range hens. Please show up at the farm before the regatta and allow yourself plenty of time to gather all your eggs. Baskets will be provided.

We will once again beg the chefs from the New England Culinary Institute to wash their hands and prepare the meal: Pete & Gerry's scrambled eggs, Pancakes with Vermont Maple Syrup, organic free-range bacon from Second Chance Farm, fresh fruit, and orange juice from our own Northeast Kingdom Orchard. Canadian scullers will be able to choose from crepes cooked over an open fire or a gift certificate from Tim Horton's.

As part of our ongoing "Go Green" initiative, the Black Fly Scullers want to remind everyone that consuming raw or undercooked eggs or bacon saves time and energy. Please do your bit to reduce our carbon footprint!
The breakfast is free to all scullers. Spectators and guests are welcome to eat at their own risk. We suggest a donation of $5.

T-shirts

Black Fly veterans know that the only reason I host the regatta is to give me an excuse to make t-shirts. And by now Black Fly veterans should know better than to give me an excuse to do anything.

The Black Fly Scullers T-shirt is the epitome of our "Go Green" initiative. As you may recall, last year the Black Fly Scullers ordered bales of organic-free-trade-micro-loan hemp and bamboo to make our t-shirts from renewable and sustainable resources. Unfortunately, the hemp caught fire during overseas transport and the bamboo was eaten by voracious Pandas who evidently got the munchies from inhaling the hemp fumes.

Well, lesson learned. This year we have paid for all the t-shirts with carbon credits! Using peer-reviewed data from tests conducted at the Black Fly Sculler Human Performance Labs in the basement of O'Leary's Pub, we demonstrated that the average Black Fly Sculler weighing 80kg erging at 4.0 Mmol of lactic acid exhales 5 liters of CO2 per minute. So this year every sculler will row at 2.0 Mmol lactic acid, and cut our CO2 emissions by well, a lot! Using that unassailable date, the Black Fly Scullers sold 14,000 liters of CO2 credits for the2009 Regatta to the Sacramento, California Smutty Coal Burning Power Plant for an undisclosed sum which we hoped would cover the cost of the t-shirts. A few days ago the check from the State of California was returned marked "NSF", which I thought meant "Northern San Francisco" until my banker informed me otherwise. But I did get a nice letter from Gov. Schwarzenegger

Luckily we still have plenty of raw material left over from last year's t-shirts: 80% petroleum-based, 10%coal dust (for the lettering), and 10% nuclear fissionable material (for that unique cobalt blue patina). Dry clean only. And we can sell them for the same price as last year: $20 apiece (they come in one piece).

Rest assured as part of our Socially Responsible Program, the Black Fly Scullers take every step to insure that your t-shirts are made in safe, humane conditions. Our manufacturer in Mumbai is currently experiencing an intractable work slow down. It seems that some slumdog won 20,000,000 rupees on a national television game show and he is using the winnings to pay for the retraining of all of the workers at the t-shirt plant.

Soon they will all be Dell Computer technicians. Hiring replacements at the plant is time-consuming. So we have to place our order early to insure that the t-shirts arrive at the regatta on time. I will place one order on June 12 and another order on June 29 (the Monday after the regatta). If you order your t-shirt before June 12 it will be at the venue on the day of the regatta. If you order it after June 12, I will try my best to get it to the venue but in all likelihood your order will be added to any t-shirts ordered at the regatta and mailed to you in the middle of July -- in time to watch Slumdog Millionaire on Blue Ray DVD.

Poet Laureate Contest

Who can forget last year's "dead heat" between Steve Collins and Charlie Hamlin? Months of electric shock treatments and I still can't get it out of my head.

Well this year I want to return to the halcyon days of yesteryear. The golden age of television.

When musicians wrote theme songs specifically for a television show. Not like today when some "artist," so-called, cobbles together a few tired phrases in 4/4 time, posts them on some blog, and waits for some half-wit associate producer to play 12 bars of it as an intro to a tv show, or a commercial for anything from ambien to viagara. (I always get those two confused.) No wonder Elvis shot his television. He was a prophet!

But I digress. This year's poet laureate contest is "60's and 70's Television Theme Songs!"

Just rewrite the lyrics from your favorite tv show from the 60's or 70's and submit them for review by our august panel.

Please indicate the name of the TV show so we have at least a 50-50 chance of signing along.

The tv theme song must have lyrics. And remember, cartoons count!        

Please no "Star Trek" knock-offs.Three finalists will perform during the post-regatta awards ceremony and you, the Swarm ,shall select the winner!

Pupae and larvae -- I suggest you TiVo TVLand!

Head count

If you're like me you suffer from hypoactive organizational disorder with extreme laxity. See, DSM-MCMLIX. (I can recommend several highly-qualified psychiatrists and clerics.) So please, please, please, try to get your entry form and moolah to me by June 19th. That will give my dislexic but cheerful staff time to segregate you into the proper swarms, assign bow numbers, and otherwise mishandle everything. More importantly, I need the time to figure out how much food, water and gatorade to buy so I can have drinks at the finish line and food when you get back. Anyone who ignores the deadline will eat leftovers from last year.

Lodging

The Comfort Inn in St. Johnsbury is offering a discount to Black Fly Scullers stranded overnight in the Northeast Kingdom. Call 802-748-1500 for reservations.Tell them you are participating in the Black Fly Regatta. The Comfort Inn is conveniently located off Exit 20 on Interstate 91 and is approximately 20 minutes from the launch site.

Facebook

Do you facebook? Well, I made a facebook page for me and the Black Fly Scullers. Join the group and I will use the group page to post updated announcements.

See you on the starting line!

The Black Fly